All About Love
"Love allows us to enter paradise. Still, many of us wait outside the gates." ~ bell hooks
A friend recently reached out to me, expressing their need for guidance. They want to learn the best ways to support a colleague who is going through a tough time, in a manner that makes their colleague feel loved and secure. This sounds easy enough, but it was a big ask. And I have been thinking about how to respond for days. Understanding what love is and how to do it, is complex enough, without the added element of safety and security. I could have flippantly responded and told them to give warm hugs and positive affirmations, but that is not good enough. Because no amount of love can be felt by the receiver if love is not present in the giver.
So what does that mean? Well, I want to start with the definition of love that has always moved my soul. It is quoted in bell hooks, “All About Love”, where she states that love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth”. The ability to extend yourself for your own and someone else’s spiritual nourishment can only happen if your own cup is full. If you are depleted, broken, unhappy, or any other characteristic, how can you love yourself or anyone else? How can you provide nourishment to the soul of another while your own weeps?
In my opinion, there are a couple of ways in which we can truly begin to understand the reason why we stand outside the gates of paradise that love would allow us to enter (hooks, 2000). First, as hooks so eloquently reminds us, we never really learned how to love, and thus, need to be patient with ourselves. We must take the time to examine how our own experiences have shaped how we view ourselves, and how we project that view (disappointment, hurt, pain, shame, etc.) onto others. In Chapter 8 of my memoir, Can You Hear Me Now?, I talk about riding through life on a comfy bus. The bus has tinted windows that protects me from the sun, so it does not get too hot inside. At some point, I realize that although I am comfy, I have no real purpose, and more importantly, recognize that my bus may not be moving. Stepping outside of the bus (and out of my comfort zone), I realize that the bus does not have tinted windows, but is covered by the detritus of my past. The lies, hurt, shame, guilt, that I thought I had gotten rid of, were hanging there for everyone to see. I knew that I needed to get help to get rid of the garbage that was holding me back. Counselling, meditation, prayer, eating well, and emotional clearing became a part of my daily practice of self-healing (a more intentional practice than self-care). I was intentional about everything I consumed, not just with my mouth, but with all my senses - eyes, ears, touch etc. Anything that did not serve my healing and spiritual growth was not consumed. Most practically, I stopped watching the news. You will be amazed by the amount of toxicity you put in your body during a 24 hour news cycle.
However, there were more insidious practices that I needed to understand and address. I recently finished reading, “A New Earth”, by Eckhart Tolle. In this book, Tolle does a masterful job of examining the ego, and the ways in which it manipulates us on a consistent and daily basis. More specific to my journey, he explores the concept of resentment, and how that bitterness impacts our ability to love and feel joy, even in the slightest ways. One of the ways I know my resentment is expressed is through judgement - of myself and others. As a former practising Catholic, I often thought of judgement as something The Creator (God) did as They were making the final decision about your fate. You would be judged based on your actions, and therefore your actions better be good. However, I no longer think that is the case. There is no final “judgement” made by The Creator. In my opinion, we create a living hell on earth through our judgments of ourselves and others. The constant and incessant thinking and assessing others based on their past, present, or prospective future actions never allow us to fully love - ourselves or others - in the present. I firmly believe that the final judgement is when the last of us (i.e. the last person on earth) decides that they will no longer judge another. That is the last judgement. That is when there will be Atonement. The moment we recognize that we are not just all connected, but we are all One. The final judgement is ours. The day we decide to put our ego aside, judge nothing, and truly see each other and our true selves, as consciousness, is the day we enter the frequency of love.
Similar to judgement, my perspective on forgiveness diverges from the conventional belief that it involves pardoning those who have inflicted harm upon us. Forgiveness involves liberating oneself from the shackles of animosity and turmoil, and from the burdens of guilt and shame. The Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu states, “The supreme good is like water, which benefits all of creation without trying to compete with it. It gathers in unpopular places. In this way, it is like the Tao." This metaphor underscores the notion of forgiveness as akin to water, nurturing all, unconcerned with competition. It coalesces with the Tao, existing in harmony. Forgiveness is “for” “giving” kindness, gentleness, peacefulness, amazingness, happiness, thoughtfulness, graciousness, sweetness, and yes, lovingness, to yourself and others, through the release or “letting go” of the hurt, pain, animosity, resentfulness, and turmoil. In letting go, you create space for love and beauty to exist, blossom, and provide beauty and enjoyment for others.
But the space created goes beyond all of this. The space created is the Now - the most beautiful act of love that you can give yourself and others. Your presence is the present. At this moment, time does not exist. There is no past, so there is no resentfulness and turmoil. There is no future, so there is no anxiety or frustration. The infinite space of Now, bypasses the fourth dimension of time, and catapults you to realms that you have never experienced (in part because you are shrouded by judgement and chained to you inability to forgive). Imagine living every moment not worrying about the past or the future, forgetting all of the human elements and just Being in the Now. That alone will amp up the frequency of love in our lives.
So, for such a seemingly easy request, I go back to my friend with an essay on love. In writing it, I have extended myself for the purpose of nurturing my soul and theirs. It is my hope that it, in turn, will fill their soul, and that of those around them.
In Love,
CCC